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Sleeping Aid

I’m just going to ramble for a while and see if that will help me get to the point of actually going to sleep. I’ve been lying in bed, then the couch, then the floor for the past three hours desperately trying to fall asleep, but it just ain’t workin’.

My sleep schedule, if you want to call it that, is all screwed up. I don’t know which way is up and what is down. My head hurts. But in spite of it all, I’m still in a fairly good mood.

Tonight I played outdoor soccer for the first time in my life (I’ve been playing indoor for several “seasons” in a co-ed league). It was fun, but I felt kind of foolish because I don’t know some of the soccer basics. Things like ball control, passing, and defense techniques. My biggest downfall with soccer is that I don’t know how to play a “position”. I’m usually all over the place and I know that can’t be good. Again, I still have fun, and that’s more important to me right now.

Another thing that happened tonight was a friend of mine informing me of his recent engagement. It came as a surprise to me since I haven’t been keeping in touch with him lately, but that certainly doesn’t stop me from being extremely happy for him and his new fiancé. I wish them the absolute best.

I finished reading “Tomorrow Now” last week and without wasting much time, jumped directly into Cory Doctorow’s “Down and Out In The Magic Kingdom”. I mentioned Cory’s work before and now that I’m reading his latest, I must say that he has moved into position to be my new favorite sci-fi author. His work deserves major “Whuffie” . I’m also becoming an avid reader of BoingBoing, a blog that Cory contributes to regularly.

Hmm… I took a personility/career index test online a few nights ago. It wasn’t that great. No major insights into what I want to get a degree in once I start back in school this fall. I’m beginning to feel that nervous, anxious feeling I had a the end of my senior year in high school. You don’t have a clue as to what you want to be when you grow up, but you have this pressure to choose the “right” college, the “right” degree, so you can get the “right” job once you’re in the “real” world. This is, of course, all compounded by the fact that you have a severe case of “senioritis”.

That’s basically happening for me all over again, only this time, I’ve been in the “real” world, and had the “right” job. So why am I doing this to myself? Basically for confidence. I need to patch up the chip on my shoulder, caused by not having a silly little piece of paper that says diploma on it. I need to feel like I can compete, that I can make it out there in the big scary “real” world. I know it doesn’t make sense.

People tell me I have nothing to worry about. I’ve already “made” it. But I can tell that a lack of confidence is holding me back from doing something great (I have no idea what this is either). I’ve taken little steps at building my confidence over the past several years, but its not enough. College might help, it might not, but it certainly won’t hurt for trying. Low confidence might be something I struggle with for the rest of my life. I hope not.

Ok… those thoughts are making me sleepy… I just hope that I don’t have any nigthmares about the choices ahead. Good night.

Originally published on Friday April 25, 2003 at 3:12 am

[2] Comments

I generally favor self examination, and defining problems, and a bunch of other phrases. Aimless behavior without forethought reminds me of running barefoot in a razor blade factory with the lights out.

I've also seen "doubt paralysis" muck up the works of life, and whenever that happens I remember a scene from the short-lived eighties tv series "Fame". In the scene, Bruno Martelli is whining to Professor Shorofsky about not knowing what to do about some personal crisis. Shorofsky says,
"Mr. Martelli, here is my advice. Do--somthing."
"Do . . . something?"

Or, as another friend had posted on his wall, "you can't hit a home run if you don't swing the bat."

charles said this 17 years, 12 months ago §

Thanks Charles!

Those are some great thoughts to keep my "doubt paralysis" in check.

I have the words "DO SOMETHING" on my background graphic at home. It reminds me to keep swinging the bat.

Aaron said this 17 years, 12 months ago §

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